The Framework of progressive life

We have been living in frustration since long; nothing goes as good as we want. Where are we heading to, we don’t know. We don’t ever get that much recognition and respect as we think we deserve. We have to struggle a lot to achieve even a small chunk of happiness and satisfaction, be it personal or professional life. Relationships are not making us to feel good emotionally. The list of complains we have for our lives is big and it’s growing every day.

Whenever I conducted a workshop on life-skills or human consulting for better life ahead, the list above has come out from the audiences, not eventually but usually.
Surely it’s not surprising it’s usual. But, do you want to live this usual frustration filled life forever or you have a burning desire to change it?

If you are living in frustration, it’s not your fault. I repeat it’s not your fault.
If you are not getting recognition and respect as you think you deserve, it’s not your fault.
If you are not happy with your relationships, it’s not your fault.
If you are not getting stimulations to arise you smile freely and feel the delight emotions within you, it’s not your fault.
If your list of complains for life growing fast, even this is not your fault.

It is the fault of your past.
Whatever was learned, created, stored in your memory and has been developed within you as thought process till yesterday is your past. Whatever is your attitude today towards life and people is a result of your thought process till yesterday. Whatever form of fear, anxiety or agony you are carrying today with your self-identity was actually created within you till yesterday.

Remember,” Tomorrow your Today will become your yesterday. “

You get trapped in never ending processes; possibly you are already living in that trap.

If you are not realizing that you are trapped and controlled by your past, then it is your fault .I repeat it is certainly your fault.

If your boss tries to control you in professional life you feel to resist. If any of your relationship tries to control your personal life then you surely resist. You do not allow yourself to be controlled by someone else at any cost.
Am I right?

Then why do you allow your past to control your present? Ask yourself, Ask yourself right now. You have to know the answer. Do you want to justify that you have a good reason, please do justify to yourself.
If you have enough reasons to live in your past , please do , it’s your choice .

But if you really want to head towards better life and want to create happy present and happier future then, determine to change. Determine to defeat your past. Stop being slave of your past. Break the trap that past has created around you.

The only source of all your problems is that you are carrying your past carefully, without hurting it, no matter how much it is hurting you every day.

How your past is spoiling your present and consequently your future ?

I would like to state a small story –

One fine evening with a very good mood Jim and Carol decided to enjoy the evening together, watching movie followed by dinner and back to happy home. Wasting no time they quickly tried to feed their little kid and got ready for the outing. On the Parking side, 10 floors down from their flat…

Jim ~ [spreading his hands] the keys of car, Please?
Carol ~ [got bit nervous, she could not remember about the key] How to I know, It’s your responsibility?
Jim ~ I have given you to put it in your bag, upstairs? Didn’t I? [Voice got bit shrewd]
Carol~ [got annoyed within a fraction of second] you have developed a habit to insult me every time everywhere, isn’t it? Why didn’t you take care of keys yourself?
Jim~ [got almost blasted, hit his hand hard on the bonnet] you are supposed to be a helping hand for me, and I am always getting devastation, you stupid.
Carol~ [returning the favor with much bigger blast of voice and emotion] Do hell with your key , leave me alone right away . You @#$#@! [Crying with anger, anxiety and dissatisfaction started pouring from her eyes]

This was extremely unacceptable behavior for Jim, he started shouting, loud very loud. The both side anger has got multiplied by thousand times within five seconds [how fast it is].
The Evening has turned into extremely inflammable series of emotional blasts and both have got busy in burning each other’s emotions for next few minutes and then big silence of not talking to each other since that day [almost a week gone]
[After one week ]Jim& Carol both realized that how stupid they are, they have wasted one week time of their precious life by doing nothing but struggling with negative thoughts about each other. They have gained nothing but lost happiness, productive work, stuck into bad health caused by stress and emotional fatigue. They have to spend money & much of efforts to recover their losses. Certainly this had happened not for the first time in their life, earlier every time when this happened they convinced themselves not to repeat such worthless situation. But they are still in the trap of repeats.
~ Story imagination to frame the blog

The Question is why this much of anger , anxiety and hurting behavior become prominent ,that too so quickly, that it has fished out almost all the happiness from their life , respect for people as nice human being has gone away and even self- Identity was completely lost.
I say lost self-identity because a person in such a momentary behavior is actually not himself or herself, it’s someone else who takes over all the intelligence, wisdom and power of being progressive human. That someone just eats his/her self-identity within a fraction of time and departs the person completely blank in fact it makes the person almost unconscious.

Who is that “someone” who has taken over your body and soul and made you to behave the way you never want to behave when you are in you full-conscious?

Why do you get surprised to believe, “did I do that? What had happened to me? “

Any Guesses?

Can you tell me the name of that “Someone”?

Here this “Someone” could be an evil or devil or whatsoever but certainly this “Someone “is not your well-wisher or friend. This “Someone “is your biggest enemy and it continuously tries to destroy you in all possible ways.

Let me reveal who is “Someone”,

This someone is your past, living in your unconscious brain in the form of anxiety-dissatisfaction-fear-failure- angst, living since long, living firmly and shamelessly as your head is its rightfully owned property. It never sleeps but keeps drowsing.
Keeps drowsing! Waiting for just a tiny noise to wake up. As soon as you start receiving negative signals from a situation (may or may not be an offensive situation) it becomes attentive and starts browsing for the tiny noise very very carefully, you make it, bingo! “Someone” is awakening. Now you surely know what “someone” will do for you.

This “Someone” is so dangerous that if you keep nourishing it with “tiny noise” then it may become prominent on your existing personality and can completely takeover your body and soul at times. Remember those multiple Hollywood/Bollywood movies demonstrating split personalities?

If you really care for yourself, you want to be happy, you want to be in your control and most importantly if you really want to own your self-respect in your hands firmly then you have to take charge of your self-identity. You have to make sure that “someone” can never defeat you. If you really want to live like a winner first and foremost thing is learn to defeat “someone”, defeat it as many times as it can never raise its head in front of your self-identity. And kill the “someone” forever if you can.

“Easy to preach, I know all this very well. I can even preach better than this but it’s just bookish not practical at all “I am sure most of you might be experiencing these kind of walkover bridge thoughts right now, isn’t it?
Aha! Seems my guess is right.

I know I have to face resistance, because I am talking about a positive change. If I say words of consolation with empathy and smile to Jim & Carol then possibly I will be seen as a practical generous gentleman. It happens, it’s usual, take care etc. Nothing will change in their life forever by consolations. Jim & Carol also know this fact very well.
Then, what to do? How to Do?
I would say it’s not as easy as preaching but certainly not as difficult as living in those dark, empty and emotionally devastated days of one week as Jim & Carol Lived.

What to do?

Just create a strong barrier wall between “tiny noise” and that evil “someone” . So that drowsing “someone” gets too much tired of waiting for tiny noise to reach to him, let him starve. Like any living thing that evil “someone” will also die one day in absence of his food the “tiny noise”.

How to do?

First figure out and understand your evil “someone” and your “tiny noise”.
Evil “Someone” is pseudo personality holding the negative belief, fear of insecurity, fear of being defeated and fear of being disrespected. It is the accumulated garbage of situational thoughts, the bad memories about unwanted consequences occurred in past. It can be anything and different for different people.
For example –
Every time when Jim has tried to tell Carol to become more responsible, more attentive and more supportive, a trailing bad memory of being taught like a stupid student gets invoked inside carols unconscious brain. Referring to an incident before. Like Jim was expecting Carol to take care of the key but when he found her attentiveness absent as he observed many times before he got irritated instantly. Not because of that particular key incident but because of that trail of memory he holded. He got messed up with the trouble of going back to his flat, search for the key and then comedown. It’s a big effort when lift is not working and this situation could not have been created if Carole could carefully carry the key with her. Ground of past was already disturbing the drowsing evil “someone” just a “tiny noise” was enough to wake it up.
Similar has been the situation with carol, so much of house-hold work and continuous bad health had already stressed her. Many a times in the past also she has done similar mistakes and Jim always pointed it out, may be not to hurt but to remind, but consequently they ended up with arguments and fights. And that feeling is stored as evil “someone” inside her trail of bad memories. She immediately sensed that similar situation is here again, because of fear of being defeated she became defensive already. Her drowsing evil “someone” was just about to receive that “tiny noise”.
A word from coral and Bingo! for Jim’s evil Someone, a word from Jim and Bingo! for Carol’s evil someone. Both evil someones fought but consequences have been suffered by Jim & Carol.
Another example may be , Sometimes you have got injured with particular Gym equipment, you tried the same after a month and got injured again and then your brain has created a phobia about that equipment. Your evil “someone” here is fear of that Gym equipment and the “tiny noise” is invitation to use that equipment again.

Start controlling the “Tiny noise “

Think, think deep, what are all the triggers for your evil “someone”. As soon as you sense that trigger to happen, hold your breath, it’s an alarming situation, you have to stop the trigger. Focus to stop it. Your feelings will just deviate before it become intense to threshold the trigger.
Just deviate your thoughts, deviate from the activity you are doing at that moment and quickly engage yourself in anything else so that your brain cannot hear that “tiny voice”.
And let your evil “someone “strive, do repeat it at least in next 10 situations when “tiny noise” starts shaping in your thoughts.
Take this as a game, rule is you have to practice it hard and you have to win over that evil “someone”. You are intelligent enough when it comes to winning the game , remember this the most important game in your life that you need to play and win every day , every hour and every moment if you want to remove the shadows of past from present .
Once you create a habit of defeating your evil “someone” your past will stop influencing your present.

Once your present is free from past evil thoughts, it will create a new ground to flourish good feelings, pleasant inner environment. If you feel good and think good you will speak well. When you speak well you will receive good words from your surroundings. Your behavior become softer & lighter.You will get liked by everyone. You will feel recognized and respected. You will be able to focus on positive side of life. Your passion will come alive and certainly will bless you with great future ahead.

Is it too difficult to do ? I bet , its not.

Please Remember ,
We either make ourselves miserable or we make ourselves Strong,The amount of work is the same .
We can’t control what others say about us , but we can control what we choose to believe.

Enjoy today as much as you can , yesterday is gone and tomorrow may never come.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Blog Annexure :

How past Creates Evil “Someone” within us

When we born, we born to win, live happily and succeed .Everyone around us extends blessings, love and care. Parents are happiest creatures at that moment. Even in their imaginations they never thought to scold or beat us, but they do, when we do mistakes. As a response we listen, we learn and we move on.
When we become adults and receive scolds or bad words we feel it. We have developed a thought process, we have developed a memory of good and bad things, and we developed an attitude to react.
When the footprints of memory trails on emotional feelings did started crystalizing in our brains?
Possibly from the age of five years. Did you really care about it? Certainly not. Your nature was adaptive to the situations with default move-on programming in your brain. You kept succeeding in your life without any break until you won the University degree. Isn’t it? You should realize that by this time you have been provided with all support to fulfill your expectations from parents, teachers, friends, relatives or siblings. But you were not bound to fulfill of anyone else’s expectation/s. Surroundings were same; few people kept changing in your life like teachers, friends and few remained constant like parents and siblings. You have been so much adaptive to the situations and people that you never noticed any major emotional conflict with anyone. Can you say no? Aha, seems you are scratching your head to find any. Do you remember any one who hurt you emotionally? Do you have any hateful feeling still alive for him/her in your brain? Possibly not.

What happens next?

The life actually starts on a different track after the age of 20, we have developed strong feeling of being Important, being respected and being behaved as we like most. This is the start of creating trails of negative thoughts about people and surroundings. Till the age of 30 our brain creates enough memories of fear, frustration, hate, affection, prejudice and triggers of a particular emotion. We become less adaptive to situation and more reactive. Responsibilities climb up on our shoulders and we are bound to fulfill others expectations (including profession, relation and self) no matter our self-expectations get fulfilled or not.
If you are already in the age group of 20 to 30 then be very careful about your under development thought process.

If you are the parents of someone belongs to this age group then remember they need your utmost support and care to develop right mindset and progressive thought process for sure.
The two way expectations start colliding with each other. Just imagine the expectations are nothing but balls thrown on same line but from opposite directions. If the colliding expectations stick with each other and reshape like Clay then start moving in one single direction, they definitely cause no conflict, no anxiety, no stress, no negative feelings and no formation of that evil “someone”. But actually it is a next to impossible case in human society. Usually expectations collide and result into uncertain future.

When either side expectation is not fulfilled it invites conflict. When conflict occurs it leaves a bad memory footprint. It may be a conflict of expectation or interest with your colleague, boss or work itself. It may be conflict of expectation or interest with your spouse or relatives. It may be conflict with daily touch points of outside world (like people in traffic, shopkeeper who talks blunt or even online shopping). All this crystallizes as a series of negative thought process about people and surroundings. It creates a negative pattern and generates a receiving antenna to receive more negative thoughts.

Negative thoughts are always more powerful to dominate on positive thoughts in brain. Once they create a space in your brain they stay for long, grow very fast and one day they can throw out all frizzling positive thoughts to occupy whole head.

As soon as number of negative memory trails become dominant on positive memory trails , your evil “Someone” is born. If you still don’t realize and keep nourishing it with more negative thoughts it is surely going to dominate on your behavior.

On Indian roads, have you ever observed a guy driving his car stuck in traffic jam in front of your car, he his biting his nails, abusing other car drivers and look extremely annoyed. On the hand another guy has come out of his car can start trying to play the role of a Traffic controller calmly so that jam can be unlocked and every can get benefit of it. Can you guess out of these two who is actually nourishing his negative thoughts and who is defeating his negative thoughts? Situation is same for both.

Try to be the second guy, be cool , be sharp , be successful . That’s what you want to be , that’s what you deserve to be.

S. Verma
Skills Ahead